The other night I had a conversation that started as many do, superficial and factual. But as I talked, I made a subtle change, and started saying things like “I feel like, I believe that, etc.”. And amazingly, some of those I was talking with did as well. This typical conversation turned into an emotional charged look at ourselves. And as the conversation progressed, I began to see something.
Some people are so concerned with how much money they make, what car they drive, where they live, who their friends are, etc. But as soon as you strip all that away and see someone for who they really are, they have NOTHING to say. They get uncomfortable and distant. You could have pointed at each person in the room and been able to tell whether they were concerned with supRA-ficial (opinions, feelings, etc.) issues and not just supER-ficial (money, possessions, pleasure, etc.) ones.
They were able to discuss things beyond haircuts, heels, and hiltons. Not just emotion, but also give opinion on other topics and discuss their future: goals, dreams, etc. It was incredible to see the superficial people squirm and awkwardly try to contribute.
I know that much of this difference can be because of past pains, experiences, and emotional trauma. But, I think it’s a mindset you choose to have or to not have. With those mindsets come different ways of thinking about things. And to me, the difference is time.
SupER-ficial mentality- “I’ll do it tomorrow, I’ll change tomorrow, they’ll change tomorrow, it’ll fix itself, I’ll get to it eventually.”
SupRA-ficial mentality- “I’ll do it today, I’ll change it today, I’ll take responsibility, I’ll try to make it better.”
This is my rant:
Time is so precious. It is any persons MOST valuable asset. It is the one thing that we can NEVER get back- you waste it, it’s gone. So why do people just sit around, stagnant in their pool of cheap comforts and meaningless pleasures? Unwilling and un-wanting anyone to rip them outside of that. Accomplishing enough to get them through that day- nothing more.
How dare they waste what others would give everything for more of? I’m not saying “no relaxation!”, EVERYONE needs that. But their is a difference between relaxing FROM doing something and relaxing AS doing something.
If it’s chilling out, splitting a bottle of wine, and watching a movie after being at work and on the go all day, great. If it’s chilling out, splitting a bottle of wine, and watching a movie after sleeping and surfing the internet all day, I don’t get it. Once in a while, for sure, lazy days are needed. But when you’re lazy days start outnumbering your productive days, find something to do!! When the focus of your life is to just to get that pleasure or that comfort, I think something is missing.
I’ll leave you with this-
If you were on your deathbed and someone said “for all your money, I’ll give you another year.” Another year to be with those close to me, doing things I enjoy?
Who would hesitate?
Now imagine that question is posed to an 8 year old terminal cancer patient, who hasn’t been able experience all the joys, frustrations, loves, and sorrows of a full life. Do you think he would be spending that time doing only what comes easy?
“Men talk of killing time, while time quietly kills them.” -Dion Boucicault
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This strikes close to home. Indifference is something I have been subject to a lot lately. It is a terrible feeling to have someone you care about act as if you don’t matter.
People say hate is the opposite of love, I say indifference is. I think its the opposite of love because love is about giving yourself through emotion and action to someone. With hate, you are still showing emotion, if negative. But indifference by definition doesn’t involve emotion. I think this puts love and indifference at opposite ends of the spectrum. One involves as much emotion as one can give, the other involves no emotion whatsoever.
Indifference (or apathy) is defined as a complete lack of emotion or motivation about a person, activity, or object; depression; lack of interest or enthusiasm; disinterest.
I’m going to approach this essay a bit differently. I talked a lot of it out sitting in traffic, and was only able to jot a couple broad notes down while trying to avoid dying in an accident. I’m going to base my thoughts strictly off of what I have written down, which assumes I thought it out well. Call it pointed stream of consciousness.
Here are the notes I hurriedly scratched:
Indifference is an attitude, and more specifically a defense mechanism. It is an attitude that we use to guard ourselves from the potential and realized pain/malice of dealing with people and situations. Indifference is both an action and a reaction.
As an Action - Indifference can be an action taken either purposely or not. In other words, you may not feel a certain way about something without first having knowledge about it.
As a Reaction - This is a more defensive and purposeful use of indifference, where a desired outcome is the motivator. This can be anything from “getting over” someone to not worrying about a stressful situation or event. This is an active choice.
Reactionary indifference is the more interesting of the forms to me, because it is a choice. Choosing not to feel is something I see many people do, and have a hard time understanding- to the extent it is used. I understand how indifference can help guard against the overwhelming malice and pain life can inflict, but taken too far it is a saddening sight.
Why do people take indifference too far? I believe the answer is unique to each situation, but generally I think:
- Because it can be easier than dealing with an emotional situation (short-term)
- After not feeling for a long time, it’s easy to become over-whelmed with a “flood” of emotion
- They have no other method of coping with the situation
I think indifference can be both a positive and a negative. I believe we can learn a lot through indifference- through feeling pain and healthily dealing with it (sometimes with indifference) and working through it we can grow and understand ourselves better. Conversely, if we don’t learn from pain, we can abuse indifference and use it to constantly run from our emotions. As this becomes ingrained we forget how to work through pain, and must either use indifference for everything or re-learn our entire ability to deal with an issue.
Indifference is a painful and confusing attitude to receive. It forces the recipient to question every ability and quality they posses. It says “you aren’t worth me feeling anything.” And the base of our nature is emotion. In other words, it is saying that the person, situation, or behavior doesn’t matter to them. When this runs contrary to past behavior or speech, confusion and questioning occur. And potentially indifference.
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Last night was a travesty.
Johnny called me at 8:30 to ask me to come help him out, he had ran out of gas on I-205. I am always happy to help a friend, but this incident pushed me to the edge of both my sanity and composure. It wasn’t anything Johnny did (his stories of 16 year-old’s always entertain), just my already poor mood being tested by half-autistic gas station attendants and terrible road signs.
I drove out to Gresham- a place that ranks just next to Salem on my “I-would-rather-be-shot-in-the-kneecap” scale- already in a bad mood. My mood was not improved after the third gas station attendant looked at me with his non-lazy eye like I was crazy asking to borrow a gas can. One of them told me he’d sell me gas, but I couldn’t use his can. When I asked him what he thought I should use to transport said gasoline, he looked thoughtful (this brought him from “complete inbred” to “second to last place at the special olympics”).
“Well, I guess you could use a milk jug, you’d have to drink the milk though. HAHAHAHA.”
His laugh was something between a screech and a hiccup. It ground every last remaining nerve I possessed. I asked if they had a can I could buy, they did- for $5 dollars.
Now I discovered the true reason I got a phone call from Johnny- he had no money.
I payed for my newly acquired can of gas and the gallon inside of it, and went to my car cursing the world and everything in it. Thank god I had a towel to stifle the leaking petrol and the fumes, now my car will only smell like it for a week instead of a month.
At this point, I was furious. Furious with everything that had happened to me that day, week, month, and year. Furious with friends that take advantage of another’s kindness, with liars, with those that won’t do a damn thing to change what they claim to hate. Furious with myself for not just giving them the middle finger. Furious with every car on the road. Furious with myself.
I drove like a fucking crazy, daring anyone to get in my way. Johnny knows me well enough to keep his mouth shut in this situation, I can verbally undress and whip a person like few others. Unbeknownst to me, the street I was on didn’t connect with any of the exits that would take me Johnny’s abandoned car. When I made this discovery, my mood went even further south- at this point nearing the pole.
We drove for probably 20 minutes before getting back to Johnny’s car, and by this time I was cooled down. I don’t stay angry long- I talk myself through these things very well. Replacing that anger was the deep sadness I’ve possessed for months now. A sadness I have had trouble harnessing and getting passed, but I am. I’ve found the best way to deal with a situation like this is to laugh at it. If I find joy within anger, I no longer am a prisoner of it. I think anger is a useful tool, within moderation, and combined with other emotions that move me away from anger and back towards a more positive outlook.
I emptied the can into his tank, got in my car and went. I have no animosity for helping a friend in need, but I don’t enjoy feeling like the only time I get a call is when that friend IS in need of something. I guess the saying is true…
“A friend in need is a friend indeed.”
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