The other night I had a conversation that started as many do, superficial and factual. But as I talked, I made a subtle change, and started saying things like “I feel like, I believe that, etc.”. And amazingly, some of those I was talking with did as well. This typical conversation turned into an emotional charged look at ourselves. And as the conversation progressed, I began to see something.
Some people are so concerned with how much money they make, what car they drive, where they live, who their friends are, etc. But as soon as you strip all that away and see someone for who they really are, they have NOTHING to say. They get uncomfortable and distant. You could have pointed at each person in the room and been able to tell whether they were concerned with supRA-ficial (opinions, feelings, etc.) issues and not just supER-ficial (money, possessions, pleasure, etc.) ones.
They were able to discuss things beyond haircuts, heels, and hiltons. Not just emotion, but also give opinion on other topics and discuss their future: goals, dreams, etc. It was incredible to see the superficial people squirm and awkwardly try to contribute.
I know that much of this difference can be because of past pains, experiences, and emotional trauma. But, I think it’s a mindset you choose to have or to not have. With those mindsets come different ways of thinking about things. And to me, the difference is time.
SupER-ficial mentality- “I’ll do it tomorrow, I’ll change tomorrow, they’ll change tomorrow, it’ll fix itself, I’ll get to it eventually.”
SupRA-ficial mentality- “I’ll do it today, I’ll change it today, I’ll take responsibility, I’ll try to make it better.”
This is my rant:
Time is so precious. It is any persons MOST valuable asset. It is the one thing that we can NEVER get back- you waste it, it’s gone. So why do people just sit around, stagnant in their pool of cheap comforts and meaningless pleasures? Unwilling and un-wanting anyone to rip them outside of that. Accomplishing enough to get them through that day- nothing more.
How dare they waste what others would give everything for more of? I’m not saying “no relaxation!”, EVERYONE needs that. But their is a difference between relaxing FROM doing something and relaxing AS doing something.
If it’s chilling out, splitting a bottle of wine, and watching a movie after being at work and on the go all day, great. If it’s chilling out, splitting a bottle of wine, and watching a movie after sleeping and surfing the internet all day, I don’t get it. Once in a while, for sure, lazy days are needed. But when you’re lazy days start outnumbering your productive days, find something to do!! When the focus of your life is to just to get that pleasure or that comfort, I think something is missing.
I’ll leave you with this-
If you were on your deathbed and someone said “for all your money, I’ll give you another year.” Another year to be with those close to me, doing things I enjoy?
Who would hesitate?
Now imagine that question is posed to an 8 year old terminal cancer patient, who hasn’t been able experience all the joys, frustrations, loves, and sorrows of a full life. Do you think he would be spending that time doing only what comes easy?
“Men talk of killing time, while time quietly kills them.” -Dion Boucicault
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Control: To exercise influence over, to suggest or dictate the behavior of.
I am not in control.
I am not in control.
I am not in control.
Wow, that’s a shitty thing to come to terms with. There is so much outside of myself that can directly affect my world + life, that I can do nothing about. What if that car swerves, what if an earthquake happens, what if someone invades us, what if suddenly I’m transported to an island filled with beautiful women and my own monkey butler… Okay, that last one was more “fantasy” than “what if”, but you get the picture.
I see control as a deep seeded fear of the future. The fear is rooted in the knowledge that you will be affected by outside sources without your knowledge or consent. And to fight that affection, we all attempt to control the things we have around us- behaviors, events, people, ourselves. Only the last one has any real potential of happening, even then it sketchy at times.
I break control into a couple of separate issues:
- Why do I attempt to control?
- How can I lessen the need for control from my life?
- What CAN I control?
First and foremost, the question I ask myself every day is “Why do I attempt to control things??” And it continues to baffle me. I believe this questions lies at the root of human insecurities and concerns.
In other words, I think fear drives our need to control.
Fear of the unknown. Personally, if I feel in control, then I can “mark one thing off my list” of things I need to worry about. And that feeling I get when I feel in control is the ultimate quest: comfort. We all want it. We all look for it. Few find true comfort. That’s a topic for another essay though…
So how do I lessen my need for control in my life? I think this goes hand in hand with the third question, “What CAN I control?”
Attitude.
I believe that in order to let go of my need to control, I must (EVERY DAY) talk myself through the fear of the unknown, and live in the moment.
Notice I did NOT say live FOR the moment, and for very good reason. I believe that having goals and dreams to work towards provides great motivation and esteem when they are achieved. I think that people who preach living for the moment miss out on one of life’s greatest feelings- achievement. Not instantly gratifying goals- but long term goals that I set and achieve.
And I fail, very very often. That’s where attitude becomes so essential to healthily eliminating the need to control. Because all that I control is my attitude. Period.
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.Love is many things to many people. It affects attitude, mood, action, word, and spirit. It can take over every sensibility we posses. It can take us to heaven + hell. It means something different to every person on the planet. It is shown in different ways by each of us. These are MY views on love, as an emotion. My own life will obviously be reflected in them, please take it with that large grain of salt.
I think love stems from three feelings. And ironically, they all start with an “A”. The reason I think love starts with these three feelings is because it does for me. The fourth ingredient: time. I don’t think love happens over night. I know some may disagree, but I’ll explain as I go.
Attraction. I think this is the most self-explanatory. Attraction means that another person causes you enjoyment, and so you continue to surround yourself with them. This is the sparks that fly.
Affection. Affection is finding yourself in someone else. It’s the recognition of some quality in another that you also posses.
Altruism. This is the selfless concern of another. It’s wanting the best for them, and caring for their well-being.
All three of these feeling taken separately (or together) are things we’ve all felt + experienced. I think that over time, the combination of them creates a deep bond between the people involved. I think that bond is love.
I don’t think love is about receiving, it’s about giving. It’s about putting yourself out there even with the fear of what might happen. I think love in knowing you will be hurt, but putting that aside + trying anyway.
I kept this brief because I could write forever about it but don’t want to. I wanted to put something down that was short but hopefully understandable and thought-provoking.
FOLLOW-UP:
I was watching a movie the other night, and rewound it about 8 times to get this quote. The background is that it’s a father talking to a daughter about love + sex. They are talking as escorting their pregnant mother/wife to the car while in labor.
I’ve got a message for him- you tell him this is what its all about. This is the real happening. If you want to know what love really is, take a look around you. Take a good look at your (pregnant) mother. It’s giving life that counts. Until you’re ready for it all the rest is just a big fraud. All the crazy haircuts in the world won’t keep it turning. Life isn’t the sex, its the dished and the orthodontist and the shoe repairman, and ground round instead of roast beef. I’ll tell you something else, it isn’t going to bed with a man that proves you’re in love with him, it’s getting up in the morning and facing the drab, miserable, wonderful everyday world with him that counts.
I’d say this just about sums it up.
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