Archive for January, 2007
I believe the most determinate and important factor to have a healthy relationship is trust. And hand in hand with that are the issues that lack of trust can create. I believe this issue can be broken down. First of all, what is trust- What does it consist of? How is it established? Next, the issue of building that trust can be addressed. After trust is built, I’ll look at what can be created within the establishment. With the creation (or investment) of this trust comes responsibility, which exists on different levels of the psyche and within society. Next, I’ll talk about how long term trust can be maintained and why this is important. Finally, I’ll conclude with issues that can arise because trust does not exist or is broken.
What is trust? This is a very subjective issue, but at its core it can be broken down into a few components that hold true:
Belief in the other person – The belief that, through repeated demonstration, a person will do what they say.
Belief is a process and can only be achieved inductively with time. Voluntary placement of something in another’s hands – Some resource (mental, emotional, physical, etc.) voluntarily given to another without true understanding of motivations for resource.
Trust is pursued; it is not given or taken. It is a moral issue, and CANNOT be directly observed.
Building trust. This is a process. It is achievable only through the repeated demonstration of honesty, benevolence, and competency.
Honesty – Is the act of being truthful and fair with oneself and others about both motivations and a person’s reality.
Benevolence – One’s desire to do “good” in mind and action. Unbiased.
Competency – Ability to follow through on statements made as well as perform tasks.
What can be created within its establishment? The benefits of trust can be far-reaching and fruitful.
Allows social life to become predictable – With monogamy, one no longer has to worry about activities related to achieving monogamy (i.e. dating) and can achieve comfort, security, and knowledge of acceptance (from partner).
Creates unity and cohesion in communities – Teams function at capacity when able to rely on each other to achieve goals. Without this reliance all members feel responsible for all areas of a task.
Love – This is a whole other issue.
Maintenance of trust. This is only possible through the repetition of the initial steps to achieve trust. BUT, it is very necessary. Only with continued displays of honesty, benevolence, and competency can one maintain the trust already built. It is this step that many in relationships internalize without understanding it. It is also taken advantage of explicitly and implicitly.
Broken trust. This occurs with the anti-thesis of trust-building. Dishonesty, malevolence, and incompetence are causes.
Dishonesty – This occurs when an individual lacks integrity, is deliberately deceptive, lies, etc. It can be disguised and hidden. Trust can be maintained with dishonesty over the short term, but eventually that dishonesty will surface.
Malevolence – Intent to do harm to another – can be physical, mental, or emotional. This occurs when someone purportedly acts with desire to inflict pain on another. Motivations range from revenge to anger.
Incompetence – The inability to perform a task or follow through on statements made. This is implicit – it is the inability, not the lack of desire.
References:
Trust in Modern Societies: The Search for the Bases of Social Order (Barbara Misztal)
Foundations of Social Theory (James S. Coleman)
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Read Day 1: Passports and Pattaya
Day 2: Near to my heart
I awoke caught in a daze- probably due to the copious amounts of alcohol I drank and the adjustment my body was making to the time change. I was the first up and went to the lobby and people watched for a while. The most interesting guy I saw had a button sown shirt TUCKED into his beach towel. No Pants.
Everyone straggled out of bed and we hit the road. Some of my favorite times were spent in the car/bus/train and I don’t want to understate it. These were the times we really got to know each other both individually and as a group. We had nothing to do but talk. This trip I realized we had hit the jackpot. We were living/studying/traveling with an amazing group of individuals. We all had something to offer. We all knew it. Also, I loved watching the countryside. To me it was finding peace- everyone else asleep, complete silence, surrounded by friends, watching a foreign and mysterious landscape pass. It was in those moments I found myself.
Koh Samet is only about an hour south of Pattaya, and worlds better. The island was visible from the dock; an indefinite shape shrouded by fog and hope. We took a speed boat to the island, but not before getting a group shot.
The place we stayed on the island was really nice (in comparison to future accommodations); we tossed our bags down and headed for the beach. We had two rooms; with Mike, Claudia, Rebecca, Flori, and I in one room and Tyler, Andrew, Steve, and Keith in the other.
The beach in front of our place was fine but not nearly the caliber I expected. I dreamt of white sands, blowing palms, soothing surf, and cold drinks. We only stayed for a little while before deciding to explore the rest of the island (only about a mile across). Mike, Steve, Andrew, and Keith rented motorbikes for the day to expedite travel while Tyler, the girls and I walked.
Mike had never driven a motorbike before so the guy renting it to him gave him a “lesson” to get him started. After about thirty seconds he goes “ok!” wanders off. After Mike fumbles around with the controls he says,
“Well, here it goes!” and starts off. And it wasn’t a strong start…
10 ft. – he’s hunched over the bike, face level with handlebars.
Speed: 2mph
20 ft. – the bike begins wobbling.
Speed: 4mph
30 ft. – Mike over-corrects for the wobble, it grows exponentially.
Speed: 3mph
40 ft. – as if in slow motion (it basically was), the bike slowly careens to the curb where it pauses before slowly falling over.
Speed: 0mph
Mike tried to use his leg as a kick stand to save himself and the bike from toppling over but to no avail. He spilled onto the grass and the bike gently rocked back and forth on its side, wheels spinning gently. The other guys were already gone on their bikes so Tyler, the girls and I ran up to Mike to make sure he was ok. As soon as he hit the grass Mike immediately jumped to his feet and gave us a dazed look.
“I don’t think I should be doing this.”
After making sure he was ok we all collapsed into fits of laughter. The bike owner ran up after seeing all this happen. Did he get upset, chastise, yell, or demand money? No. He helped Mike back on the bike and this time gave him a push start. Still half dazed, Mike wobbled a little before gaining speed and jetting off down the road and out of sight.
By the time we finished laughing my side was aching and tears were streaming down all our faces. We slowly and casually walked down the road (if you’d call it that- more random patches of concrete than road) talking. We probably walked for 20 or 30 minutes before emerging at the other side of the island, which we would learn was the centre and ‘main drag’. We met up with the guys and made our way to the beach.
And I walked into a dream.
It was all there- warm bleached-white sand powdery between my toes, soft soothing scent of salt in the air, the water lapping methodically in the backdrop, palms wistfully stirring in the breeze. That moment holds a place in my heart I cannot forget and would not dream to. I look at that place as the pinnacle all of my memories of Thailand look up at. It possesses a haunting beauty I don’t know that I’ll find again. I believe it was a combination of the people I visited with and the place in those months, going back probably wouldn’t be the same.
We hung out and lounged at the beach all day, just wandering up and down the whole stretch and enjoying each other’s company.
One thing I noticed about Koh Samet was the ridiculous number of stray dogs wandering around. I felt compelled to take A LOT of pictures of them. I won’t bore you with all of them, but I have to put one in.
We went back to our hotel to shower and get ready for dinner, which we were having on the beach we enjoyed all day. Some ass-faced park ranger tried to charge us to get into the park, but Keith worked some magic and got us in for free. Remember Keith had his wallet stolen? He didn’t have any back-up money. I was already relying on Tyler to support me, so everyone chipped in to help Keith get through the rest of the trip. And any money he bought went to alcohol. The guy barely ate for three solid days to ensure he could get drunk that night. More pure dedication I’ve rarely seen.
We went to the beach once we were in the park and found a place to eat. Well, by find I mean we walked along the ocean- in the sand- and sat at one of the dozen places that had mats, pillows, and low tables stationed IN THE SAND. It was one of the best dinners of my life. Fresh seafood, Thai curries, fresh shish kabobs, etc. We took our time and had a couple drinks as we ate; talking, laughing, on an island- worlds away from stress or responsibility.
And then we got drunk.
Down the beach a little way was this tiny bar called Tok’s Hut. They had a deal where any drink you buy, you flip a coin to see if you’ll get it for free. This meant the biggest stress of my night was guessing ‘heads’ or ‘tails’. It was here I was first introduced to the notorious ‘bucket’.
Standard Bucket Recipe:
1 pint (mickey) of sang som (or other spiced rum)
1 can of Coca-Cola
1 Red Bull Elixir (or other Thai energy drink)
About 8 straws
Price: $2.50 USD
These things were delicious, and disastrous. Having not drunk them before we were all sucking them down like a super model does blow. The effects were hurried- all of us were shit-faced.
I don’t know if I under-estimated the buckets or over-estimated my ability to drink, but these little buckets of madness made Jaeger-bombs look like apple juice.
We stayed and drank all night at this bar, until Tyler threw up. In the years I’ve known and lived with him this is one of very few times I’ve seen him do this. He stumbled up to me as I was talking to god-knows-who, and blurts out
“Brian, I just threw up. Take care of me.”
He sat down, and wouldn’t budge. Even though I was supremely sauced myself, I still understood the gravity of his words. Usually when Tyler and I drink, we keep pace with each other pretty well, and I’m the one to go over the edge if either of us will. Some base instinct kicked in and I immediately rallied the troops to go. Steve, Keith and Andrew weren’t ready yet, so the rest of us got a taxi.
But trying to haggle price with a truck-truck driver after 2 buckets and about 14 Heinekens is no easy feat. After about 10 minutes I felt I had a reasonable fare for all of us to get back to our place. I turned to yell at everyone to get in the truck when I fell over. Apparently I was drunker than I thought, and drunker than the driver thought. He raised the price back up and after ANOTHER 10 minutes we all got in the truck and headed back.
The roads being ‘rocky’, we were bumping around quite a bit on the ride back. Tyler was hanging precariously off the edge of the truck and looked liable to fall into the blackness of night at any moment. Rebecca noticed this first and screamed “someone grab hold of him!!!” Mike happened to be next to him and sized up the situation immediately. He grabbed Tyler by a belt loop and looked and me with a satisfied expression on his face. It turns out I was almost the one to fall out from laughter.
We got back and put Tyler to bed with the obligatory garbage can next to him, then All (Mike, Claudia, Flori, Rebecca, and I) to take a swim in the motel’s pool. We were having a great time splashing, laughing, talking, swimming, etc. Apparently a family also staying there didn’t enjoy our antics as much as we did, and came out to show us- nonverbally. An entire family-father to four-year-old- came out and stood on there balcony and just stared at us.
Not a word was spoken.
As soon as we noticed we meekly gathered our things and practically sprinted to our room. Since Tyler was supposed to be staying in the other room we didn’t have much room, so Flori had to move Tyler over to make room. The way she did it was to slowly push him over while cooing at him like a baby:
“It’s ok, just a little bit over. That’s right, ok, just a little farther. That’s it..”
We all passed out, Claudia and I drifting off to The Beautiful Girls on my iPod.
We later learned what became of the others…
Steve stayed at the bar for a while longer then decided to walk back to our place. It’s about a 20 minute walk but not well lit, but definitely safe and do-able. Unfortunately, he started walking THE WRONG DIRECTION down the beach- away from the comfort of our motel, from our soft warm beds, from habitation.
After realizing where he was- in the middle of bum-fuck nowhere- he found a source of light and stumbled up to it. Some equally drunk Thai gentleman immediately realized he was lost and gave him a harrowing ride back to our motel.
Andrew and Keith had a similar adventure, but with a very different ride. A Thai guy offered to give both of them a ride home, on the same motorbike. These motorbikes are comparable to mopeds and perform similarly. By this I mean that ONE grown man looks like an elephant perched on a tricycle. I can’t imagine what three people did to the frame of this poor bike, but the manufacturer should be proud of how his soldier did. Unfortunately, the Thai guy (let’s call him “George”) didn’t take them home. Not right away.
He drove them to his house.
Outside of his house about 8 guys were milling around. “George” got off his bike and gestured for them to go sit by the fire. Unfortunately, “George” didn’t realize he was dealing with one very drunk, prone-to-overreaction Canadian named Andrew. Andrew handled himself better in this situation than in others I’ve seen, but not by much. He calmly put his arm around George’s shoulders and explained to “George” that if he didn’t take Keith and he back ‘post-haste’, bad things would happen. I believe the exact words used were:
“I will end you.”
As he spoke them he drew his finger across his throat. “George” may not have spoken a word of English but something things don’t need to be translated. He scurried back onto his bike and without a word drove Keith and Andrew to our motel. Andrew still claims he liked the guy; he just needed to get home.
Upon arrival, Andrew’s stomach decided it had received more than enough alcohol for the night, and that it was NOT going to be sticking around. Andrew did the only logical thing: throw up all over Steve’s clothes drying on their balcony. Steve was less than pleased to be using the same pair of boxers for the remainder of the trip, but hey, you can’t win them all!
Continue With Days 3 + 4: Postcards and Peace
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Day 1: Passports and Pattaya
In many ways, the first trip I took in Thailand was my favorite. It was days after we had arrived in the city we were to live in, and we already wanted out. Spending five straight months in Bangkok could be compared to spending five straight months with your mother-in-law. I would wish neither upon an enemy.
Not that Bangkok isn’t great, and in many ways better than a mother-in-law. But in all honesty they do have similar characteristics; both way too loud, obnoxious, and smelly. Bangkok, being the largest city in South-East Asia, has a huge traffic problem. The streets are always packed with people, motorbikes, bicycles, taxis, buses, tuk-tuks and cars. And with traffic comes noise. I swear these drivers would use their horns not just when angry, but also happy, sad, confused, and insane. They all had different sounds and pitches too- the symphony it created could have given a deaf person a migraine. After a while I think I grew immune to it and was even comforted by the sounds whispering me to sleep through my seventeenth floor window. Traffic was a fact of life.
At any time you may see any number of strange and outlandish vehicles hurtling down the streets speeding faster than their coked out drivers. The amazing part- everyone doesn’t die. Actually, drivers in Thailand had this amazing sixth sense while driving, and accidents rarely happened (that I saw). I have seen a taxi driver in Bangkok do things with a Toyota Corolla I would have not have dreamt a cirque du soleil contortionist could have accomplished.
These guys drive every day on six lane streets without the advent or use of lanes, and their taxis are spotless. It was poetry watching some of these guys drive- they would miraculously swerve just enough to miss another car by millimeters. They were princes of pavement, kings of the asphalt. I always respected a good driver, unless he was trying to scam me. And some of them did. Few and far between albeit, but the occasional asshole would show up and piss us off.
Especially Andrew.
If a driver was trying to overcharge us, tell us his meter was broken, barter for the fare, or similar shenanigans; Andrew had a simple fix: have the taxi pull over and destroy anything within reach. This included ID cards (the picture NEVER matched the guy driving), fare indicators (they would light up if the cab was empty), and trinkets they had on the dash. He would leave trunks open, shout obscenities; cause general chaos- anything to piss of the driver. And it usually worked. Andrew didn’t get worked up often, but when he did, he did it big. I would learn that trait this particular trip.
We had been in Thailand about 10 days and had quite the time adjusting to a different world, but I’ll talk more about that a different time. Our first week of school was over and it was time to go to the beach.
Mike and Steve were the architects of our first journey, and my hat goes off to them for organizing transportation and accommodations for nine people. The lucky nine included Claudia, whom I’ve mentioned, and Tyler- he needs no introduction. We also went with all of the Canadians (Mike, Andrew, Steve, Florencia, and Rebecca) and our only fellow Oregonian (Keith).
Mike is the businessman among businessmen. He’s one of the most genuinely nice guys I’ve ever met. Giving, smart, outgoing, and industrious- it was no surprise he took care of this trip. Mike has a knack for organization, and we let him take care of as much as he wanted. His only weakness would come out on this trip; it had handlebars and two wheels…
Andrew has been briefly described, but nothing really does him justice. The guy is hilarious in many ways and can be as serious and intense as they come. I feel like Steve and him became my (and I think Tyler’s) closest friends in Thailand. He’s a great guy who never had a problem stating his mind; it made sense only some of the time. The conversations I’ve had with him are infamous- his one liner’s are unparalleled.
The other Canadian male on the trip was Steve, another close friend I would make. He was always down to party, and as intense and fun as any of us. The guy has seen and done things that would make a normal person cry- without batting an eye. If things were getting crazy, Steve was usually involved and instigating (along with yours truly). He is a great guy who I got along with well and am very similar to. I make him out to be a partier, but he is also a very smart, funny, nice guy who looked out for those around him.
Oh Florencia. I don’t think words can harness a tenth of the energy she possesses. The best way to describe Florencia is the way she was described to me be Rebecca: she’s amazing. Flori (my nickname for her) is one of the greatest girls I know- smart, funny, cute, outgoing, and thoughtful. She could have an hour-long heart to heart with you and then go out and drink and dance the night away. And we did. A lot J
Rebecca was equally amazing. I always got along with her well and really liked her company. She and Florencia balanced each other out beautifully, and they were good friends both to each other and me. I had a big crush on her when I first met her and for good reason. She’s hot, she’s smart, she’s fun, she’s caring, and she’s got a big heart. I hope whatever lucky guy she settles down with knows how lucky he is.
Last but not least was our fellow OSU alumnus, Keith. I think the best way to describe Keith was by sharing how we met, Tyler can back me up on this too. We had a ‘pre-Thailand’ class at OSU before we went on exchange, and we knew there was one other person going to Thailand with us. The first class we walk in and sit in groups by country, and Keith was waiting for us. We shake hands and introduce ourselves, which he follows up with “…So you guys like to get shit-faced, right?” He was a great guy, always looking for a party and getting the most out of his trip. If I wanted to party on any given night, his was the first room I’d call.
Mike and Steve decided to go to the TAT (Travel Authority of Thailand) office to book our first trip, which was fine by me. We hadn’t been in Thailand long and I had no idea what I was doing so someone else taking the reins was just fine with me. I didn’t care where we went or who we went with, I just wanted two things:
- Get drunk.
- Lay on a beach.
Luckily, we got plenty of both on this and many other occasions.
Mike and Steve gave us a brief run-down on our trip which would be from Thursday to Monday. A personal driver would pick us up Thursday at about 5pm, and we would drive straight to Pattaya, getting there around 7:30 or 8. We’d spend one night there, then wake up and travel an hour down to Koh Samet, where we’d spend another night. After that we’d travel 3 more hours to Koh Chang, where we’d spend 2 nights. Then it would be a 4 hour drive back to Bangkok.
One thing you have to understand about Thailand is that schedules, timetables, and time in general mean nothing. No one cares even a little about what time there got somewhere or left for something- it didn’t matter to them. Unfortunately we (Tyler and I) were of the mindset where time DID matter. Most of us were at the beginning of the trip, but people slowly devolved to ‘Thai Time’. It was a constant annoyance for everything from bus schedules to meeting in the lobby to go out.
Because of the whole ‘Thai Time’ thing, we ended getting a late start. We were ready promptly at 5, but our driver apparently wasn’t. 5:30 rolled around, then 6. We were all sitting around in the lobby talking so we didn’t really mind; we were just getting to know each other. Around 6 the mini-bus pulled into our alley, we all grabbed our gear and were off.
We continued to chat in the bus, me sitting in the back seat with Claudia and Flori. The conversation eventually got around to work; I proudly reached into my pocket to show off my gaffer’s tape wallet. That wasn’t there. Neither was my passport.
Oh Fuck.
Oh Fuck.
Oh Fuck.
Don’t Panic.
Oh Fuck.
I searched that car from top to bottom, along with my bag. No wallet. No passport. I vividly remembered having them before we left, and putting them in my pocket. The only thing I could think happened to them was not comforting…
We had stopped along the freeway so I could go to the bathroom, my bladder being approximately the size of a pebble. What if the wallet/passport slipped out while I was peeing? Along the freeway. Miles behind us. Outside Bangkok. In Thailand. 6000 miles from home.
Oh Fuck.
To say I was a bit concerned is a sizable understatement. I felt I held my composure together well until we pulled into the closest town to scour the car. Tyler had just bought a cell phone and suggested I call Evergreen to see if they had found it. The conversation went something like this.
Me: Hello? Hello? HELLO?
Poor Front Desk Clerk: Heeeelllllllllllllllooooooooooooooooooo?
Me: Hi, my name is Brian Reeder. I live there. Have you found my passport?
Poor Front Desk Clerk: What? What?
Me: HAVE YOU SEEN MY PASSPORT????!!?? My name is Brian. Have you found ANY passports?
Poor Front Desk Clerk: We have passport.
Me: What? WHAT? Who’s? Mine?
Poor Front Desk Clerk: We have Bi-an Rob-at’s passport.
Me: You have Brian Robert (my middle name)’s passport? Oh thank God. I mean Buddha. Thank you. THANK YOU!!!!
Poor Front Desk Clerk: Okay. Bye bye.
Me: Wait- can you put it in my room?
Poor Front Desk Clerk: We have safe. We put there.
Me: Thank you!
My heart having resumed beating inside my chest, I began to breathe again and asked Tyler if he could spot me some cash for the trip. It was no problem and I was back on cloud nine. Let the games begin!
We talked and got to know each other for the remainder of the ride to Pattaya, and upon arrival we were all ready to go out on the town. After getting settled in a motel we grabbed a taxi and headed into the night.
Our taxi took us to a row of bars that looked promising, the girls working there were practically screaming for us to come over. We saddled up at a random bar and order beers, wondering what the deal was. We soon realized the girls were in fact prostitutes and the area was basically a brothel. Time to drink! We talked and drank our way through a couple beers when an elephant walked up. This may sound strange but actually became a common sight to us, baby elephants are often exploited in the cities to help the owner make money. On this occasion we were all pretty amazed by it, especially Tyler.
After Tyler’s attempted molestation, Flori and Keith decided to go for a ride.
We played some pool, talked, and drank for a while longer before heading to another and more infamous part of town; the Walking Road.
We arrived at the Walking Road to discover what it really was: a street lined with brothels. The girls wanted to find a normal bar which seemed like finding a needle in a hay stack, but we eventually found one. Steve and Andrew split off from the rest of us to go see what the night had to offer, not to be seen until morning.
The remaining six of us went into the bar to dance and drink the night away. But six and two are only eight?!? The remaining one, Keith, had a mishap as we got to the bar. He made the mistake of leaving his wallet in his back pocket, with the pocket unbuttoned. To a petty thief in Pattaya he might as well have handed it to him on a silver platter. I felt a hard tap on my back to turn around and see Keith with a mixture of shock and annoyance in his eyes.
“Someone just stole my wallet. Fuck! Alright I’ll see you guys later.”
The guy just walked out of the bar. With nothing. As it turned out some kind-hearted tourist gave him some money, half of which he called home with, half of which he bought beer with. Keith has his priorities straighter than anyone I know.
The six of us stayed at the bar and kept drinking, and eventually started dancing. It was a blast; dancing and drinking with new friends in an insane environment without a responsibility beyond where to go next. We also managed to make a NEW friend at the bar, at least in his eyes.
He would walk up to Mike, Tyler, or myself; and ask if he could dance with the one of the girls- nonverbally. Basically, he would dance up to a girl and make eye contact with whoever was dancing with her. He would vigorously nod his head and start saying:
“I dance! I dance!”
Luckily he was a nice guy and accepted our negative response; he was built like a rhinoceros and it would have taken a good-sized tranquilizer to bring him down.
Eventually we decided to call it a night and stumbled towards the door. On my way I was accosted by a prostitute who gave me the classic line:
“You want me, I love you long tiiiime.”
I burst out with uncontrolled laughter to which she reared back and scratched my arm. Apparently she wasn’t kidding. I still have the scratch. We grabbed a taxi and headed back to our motel. We went to the beach in right front of our motel and got a picture of our first Thai beach. Unfortunately it was 3am; it would be a more effective in daylight.
The last clear memory I have of the night was laying on the girls bed talking with Keith about his night, which held a gang beating (he wasn’t the victim), homeless people buying HIM beer, and the lucky discovery of our motel while wandering.
Continue with Day 2: Near to my heart
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