The other night I had a conversation that started as many do, superficial and factual. But as I talked, I made a subtle change, and started saying things like “I feel like, I believe that, etc.”. And amazingly, some of those I was talking with did as well. This typical conversation turned into an emotional charged look at ourselves. And as the conversation progressed, I began to see something.
Some people are so concerned with how much money they make, what car they drive, where they live, who their friends are, etc. But as soon as you strip all that away and see someone for who they really are, they have NOTHING to say. They get uncomfortable and distant. You could have pointed at each person in the room and been able to tell whether they were concerned with supRA-ficial (opinions, feelings, etc.) issues and not just supER-ficial (money, possessions, pleasure, etc.) ones.
They were able to discuss things beyond haircuts, heels, and hiltons. Not just emotion, but also give opinion on other topics and discuss their future: goals, dreams, etc. It was incredible to see the superficial people squirm and awkwardly try to contribute.
I know that much of this difference can be because of past pains, experiences, and emotional trauma. But, I think it’s a mindset you choose to have or to not have. With those mindsets come different ways of thinking about things. And to me, the difference is time.
SupER-ficial mentality- “I’ll do it tomorrow, I’ll change tomorrow, they’ll change tomorrow, it’ll fix itself, I’ll get to it eventually.”
SupRA-ficial mentality- “I’ll do it today, I’ll change it today, I’ll take responsibility, I’ll try to make it better.”
This is my rant:
Time is so precious. It is any persons MOST valuable asset. It is the one thing that we can NEVER get back- you waste it, it’s gone. So why do people just sit around, stagnant in their pool of cheap comforts and meaningless pleasures? Unwilling and un-wanting anyone to rip them outside of that. Accomplishing enough to get them through that day- nothing more.
How dare they waste what others would give everything for more of? I’m not saying “no relaxation!”, EVERYONE needs that. But their is a difference between relaxing FROM doing something and relaxing AS doing something.
If it’s chilling out, splitting a bottle of wine, and watching a movie after being at work and on the go all day, great. If it’s chilling out, splitting a bottle of wine, and watching a movie after sleeping and surfing the internet all day, I don’t get it. Once in a while, for sure, lazy days are needed. But when you’re lazy days start outnumbering your productive days, find something to do!! When the focus of your life is to just to get that pleasure or that comfort, I think something is missing.
I’ll leave you with this-
If you were on your deathbed and someone said “for all your money, I’ll give you another year.” Another year to be with those close to me, doing things I enjoy?
Who would hesitate?
Now imagine that question is posed to an 8 year old terminal cancer patient, who hasn’t been able experience all the joys, frustrations, loves, and sorrows of a full life. Do you think he would be spending that time doing only what comes easy?
“Men talk of killing time, while time quietly kills them.” -Dion Boucicault
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Control: To exercise influence over, to suggest or dictate the behavior of.
I am not in control.
I am not in control.
I am not in control.
Wow, that’s a shitty thing to come to terms with. There is so much outside of myself that can directly affect my world + life, that I can do nothing about. What if that car swerves, what if an earthquake happens, what if someone invades us, what if suddenly I’m transported to an island filled with beautiful women and my own monkey butler… Okay, that last one was more “fantasy” than “what if”, but you get the picture.
I see control as a deep seeded fear of the future. The fear is rooted in the knowledge that you will be affected by outside sources without your knowledge or consent. And to fight that affection, we all attempt to control the things we have around us- behaviors, events, people, ourselves. Only the last one has any real potential of happening, even then it sketchy at times.
I break control into a couple of separate issues:
- Why do I attempt to control?
- How can I lessen the need for control from my life?
- What CAN I control?
First and foremost, the question I ask myself every day is “Why do I attempt to control things??” And it continues to baffle me. I believe this questions lies at the root of human insecurities and concerns.
In other words, I think fear drives our need to control.
Fear of the unknown. Personally, if I feel in control, then I can “mark one thing off my list” of things I need to worry about. And that feeling I get when I feel in control is the ultimate quest: comfort. We all want it. We all look for it. Few find true comfort. That’s a topic for another essay though…
So how do I lessen my need for control in my life? I think this goes hand in hand with the third question, “What CAN I control?”
Attitude.
I believe that in order to let go of my need to control, I must (EVERY DAY) talk myself through the fear of the unknown, and live in the moment.
Notice I did NOT say live FOR the moment, and for very good reason. I believe that having goals and dreams to work towards provides great motivation and esteem when they are achieved. I think that people who preach living for the moment miss out on one of life’s greatest feelings- achievement. Not instantly gratifying goals- but long term goals that I set and achieve.
And I fail, very very often. That’s where attitude becomes so essential to healthily eliminating the need to control. Because all that I control is my attitude. Period.
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As I entered the airport I had a nervous energy about me. I hadn’t been back to it since coming through it 2 months previous, and it was strange going back. The nervous energy doubtless came from the 3 Red Bulls I had slammed before hopping a cab, as well as the excitement of seeing a familiar face. I paced back and forth, double and triple checking the plane times and arrivals. I put a chew in, and began to feel its soothing wave as I spit into my discarded Red Bull bottle. I walked back and forth between the two potential exits, hoping to catch her at the right time. Then I heard my name- not from her, but from the loud speaker.
B-ian Reeder, please come to visitor information.
I practically sprinted through the airport to arrive and see a tired but comfortingly familiar face smiling at me.
Jessie had arrived in Bangkok
I chatted her ear off on the taxi ride back to my apartment. Just like old times. Unbeknownst to us, we were in for one of the biggest weekends I would have throughout my entire Thailand adventure. We had booked an overnight train down south the next night, with the goal of hitting Koh Tao + Koh Pha Ngan.
There were 13 of us on this particular adventure, with one goal in mind: The Full Moon Party. The basic idea of the party is to fit as many (upwards of 10,000) people on one beach, then give them as much alcohol and drugs as they want. Toss in about 15 different kinds of music to dance to, and some pickpockets and you have a rockin’ good time!
As we got on the train and found our spaces, I knew the weekend was something special. At this point we had traveled enough through the country that we knew how the system worked. Because of this travel became a pleasure instead of a stress. Also, the group we went with was amazing. I’ve already described Tyler, Florencia, Rebecca, Steve, Mike, Andrew, Todd, Julie, Amanda, and myself (you can view those stories here). That leaves Erin, Kathrin, and Jessie to mention.
Erin was a wonderful girl from California. Probably one of the most laid back people I’ve ever met, she spoke Thai and had been to Thailand before which helped a ton in getting around. She was always down for anything- many nights she’s join Tyler and I in watching a movie and laughing our asses off.
Kathrin was great- she was always out and about with our group. This trip was a great way to get to know her better, her and I had danced a lot but talked a little up to this point! She’s a sweetheart and a partier.
Oh little Jessie. It would take the better part of a book to describe her, but let me try to give you the short version. Jessie is a little bundle of energy I know from Portland; she’s one of my best friends. She’s smart as a whip, beautiful, caring, kind, but doesn’t take shit from anyone. She is probably my closest confidant and always knows what to say. I love her more than I could any sister, and would do anything for her.
This trip started with a bang. Well, more like a glug. We decided since we were on an overnight train, we might as well make the most of the time we had. The best way to do this: play drinking games. I don’t recall how many games of Kings, Presidents and Assholes, or I’ve Never we played, but I do remember one thing: I’ve Never is NOT my game. I lost every round. I don’t know if that’s a testament to my diversity of experiences or to my crazy nature, but I took it as a positive.
We drank enough to put a bull elephant under, and then decided to get a little shut-eye before the train arrived and we would have to get going. Well, unfortunately my inability to sleep came into affect, and I lay staring at a spinning ceiling listening to the racket of the train swaying down the tracks.
By the time we got into the station my late-night drunk had worn off and been replaced by the feeling I’m sure you know, smack dab between hung over and drunk. I’m sure this is what purgatory feels like, jittery and knowing what’s coming, but clinging to the hope that it won’t. In my life, it always seems to.
The train ground to a halt around 5am, leaving just enough time to see the sun rise over the palms as we stumbled around the station. After killing an hour by staring at each other and me moaning softly about how miserable I was, we boarded a bus that took us to our ferry, which led to Koh Tao.
The ferry ride over was beautiful, I always try to enjoy these rides. Usually I can be found at the bow of the boat, standing against the railing and taking in the sights and smells. The ceaseless drone of the engine is muffled by the crashing of waves against the hull. The sickening smell of gasoline is perfectly halted by the salt spray and fresh air.
I was always grinning like an idiot the whole ride, appreciating the world and ride for what it was. Ferry rides continue to do this to me, or I guess the ocean in general. I have always had a healthy and pointed fear of the ocean, and the waves within it. Letting go of that need to control and just enjoying the ride is something I found on oceans, to this day I appreciate them for that. That control was a fundamental part of my mindset, and changing it has been one of the largest hurdles I’ve faced. It has challenged every grain of my existence, but I have come to terms with it. Hence the semi-autistic grin implanted on my face and my exhilaration for the ride- every time. I’m sure some of it also has to do with the anticipation of the great time that usually comes at the end of the ferry ride, but hey, who’s counting. This time, I know it was a lot of both.
God, Koh Tao is beautiful. Although I would say Koh Samet is my favorite place on earth, it only beats Koh Tao by a nose. This island is small enough to be intimate, big enough to be fun, and beautiful enough to move the hardest of hearts.
Because the island is small, there aren’t that many people that visit it. And so, any touts you would encounter have very little else to do except hassle you into buying whatever the fuck they’re selling. I still remember laughing my ass off as Tyler was being shouted at by about six guys. He sized them up and chose one of them, then put his hand on the guys chest and slowly (but methodically) pushed him to arms length. He then said “Mai PAI!!” (“no”, in Thai) and calmly turned back to the group. The other five guys exchanged looks and went looking for other westerners to annoy.
I was near tears.
We found a reasonably un-shady looking guy to take us hotel-hunting, and found an amazing place on the east side of the island. And by amazing, I mean breath-taking. We had our own lagoon.
The cove was carpeted in reef, which made for perfect snorkeling ($1 to rent fins + mask for the day). The cove itself looked manicured- gently swaying palms offset by the wildflowers growing underneath. The waves gently lapped against snow-white sand, with sea-birds whistling their greetings from above.
Under the blanket of bath-warm water another world was waiting for me. I had never been snorkeling until this moment. By the end of the day it took all of me to drag myself from the water. The reef was alive with rays, sharks, fish, and plant-life. The rainbow of color they made was inspiring, like something from a Monet painting. The coral itself was equal, with soft-shelled clams and bleached-white tubes invading every ounce of space.
We all settled in to our rooms and headed straight for our beach. I immediately rented snorkeling gear and hit the water. After a solid 5 hours of snorkeling, I was tired, tan, but perfectly happy with my day. We went back to leisurely shower and nap, then meet up for a dinner in the cliffs.
Our lagoon had a restaurant over-looking the rest of the area, set up on the cliffs with its deck teetering on the edge of the water, thirty feet below. We sat and enjoyed each other’s company and the decadent fresh seafood, as well as some local favorites. It was a wonderful and relaxing night, and would have been more appreciated had I known what was in store for us over the next two evenings.
We all decided to do a snorkeling tour the next day, which consisted of 5 stops as we went around the entire island. We were all looking forward to it and got to bed at a decent hour.
The tour was unreal. Words cannot describe the world below the waves. A couple of memories are seared into my mind that I will cherish and look upon for the rest of my life. I will do my best to do them justice with words, but know that it won’t harness a hundredth of what I saw.
The most vivid is of a sight on the north side of the island. Steve, Erin and I were the only three around, and happened upon a school of fish the size of a football field. We all looked at each other (underwater) and swam right into the middle of it.
We plunged into the middle of this moving, living organism made up of millions. Completely surrounded by these tiny living creatures that moved intuitively- as one beast. Any move I made was mirrored perfectly by the collective. Any bubble I blew was reacted to. Any hand motion was synchronously dealt with. Our dance was one of predator and prey (in there eyes), one of beauty and fear. To see a predator skimming the surface of the water nearby, to feel the group react to its presence with awe inspiring precision and balance. It was nature at it’s core. It was a knowledge of something I could not possibly fathom. Instinctual and base. I envied the simplicity and the unbelievable complexity of a society that survived through each other.
The other memory was of an island. Two heaps of rock connected by a spit of sand. We all were wandering around it, trying to make sense of it. As we walked the island and stood atop the hill of rock, the sky began to darken, a storm was moving in. I could see the rain progress towards us.
The rugged and dangerous beauty of the sea (how cliché) was imprinted on me. Much like a person, its mood could change and sway with the breeze. What was once a sunny and cloud-free day turned to a stormy choppy existence, with us at its mercy. The whole ride back was churning to boat and stomach, and I appreciated how small I was.
When we got back, we found a new place to stay and most of us took naps. I decided to wander, and did so for a couple hours. Just appreciating that I would likely never return to this place, and that I certainly wouldn’t with these people or in this situation. Jessie woke up and we wandered down the beach talking, for what seemed like hours. We hadn’t actually spoken in a month, and it was amazing to hear about her, as well as get insight into my life.
We happened upon a restaurant that was empty, that we didn’t eat at, but that I won’t forget. Fresh flowers adorned every space, candles were the only light. We had talked into the dusk; the place looked like something from a dream.
As we headed back, I realized how good of a friend this girl next to me had become. I appreciated Jessie for the wonderful woman she was. I think it was then that I lost any desire for her on any other level than friendship. But with that loss came a gain in the form of someone I trust completely and would give anything for.
Then, the night began. Everyone was up at our place and rearing to have some fun. Steve and I had gotten some free drink tickets earlier in the day, and we decided to use them a little later in the evening. We started combatively throwing alcohol in our faces as quickly as possible. And damn it if we didn’t do a great job. The night is something of a blur, but it will go down as one of my favorites in Thailand. From taking kamikaze shots with our boat driver to dancing in the surf, it was perfect. Pictures do a better job in describing it.
COMING SOON… Part 2 of Full Moons and Empty Buckets!
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